I loved afternoon visits to Mrs. McDonald’s. Ten barefoot leaps through the grass and I was clamoring up the steps to her little red house. To be honest, the only thing I really remember from those visits twenty years ago is that I always got two pieces of candy on my way back home. One afternoon, instead of eating them, I thought of this genius plan to put them in the top drawer of my dresser for safe keeping, so that just in case I ever needed to run away, I would have some food to bring along. Ok first of all, that would not have lasted me very long. Secondly, what kind of kid was I...storing candy instead of eating it right away? And third, what on earth possessed me to think I’d ever need to run away? I remember finding the buried snickers bars a couple years later and throwing them out because they were hard as a rock. Needless to say, I never followed through with my escape plan (and I wasted two perfectly good snickers!).
More recently, though, I’ve found myself having the urge to run away. Not from home, but from people, from dreams, from expectations, from reality. And in fact, sometimes I do run away from these things for a while…until I run out of snickers and have to go back because I’m hungry, which doesn’t take long. But really, what is it that gives me the urge to run away? And what is it that always draws me back?
I’ve found that often the urge to run away tends to be the strongest when God is calling me to press into something difficult. Take relationships as an example. I used to hate conflict. Truly it felt like the entire world was ending when someone got angry at me or was disappointed in me, especially when my near-sighted eyes couldn’t see resolution and reconciliation in the near future. Rather than turning to Jesus and clinging to hope, it’s way easier to take the road more travelled and high-tail your way out of that relationship. But sometimes there are those annoying people (like my best friend), who sit across from you on the couch, stare you in the eye with more grace than you want to admit you need, and say, “I’m not taking ‘no answer’ as an answer. Let’s press into this together.” It might be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever done, but when you’ve actually pressed into the real reason for the conflict and come out on the other side closer than you ever were before, with more freedom and healing than you’ve ever known -- it’s worth every painful second. I felt the Lord say to me through this, “Ashley, as far away as you run, I will still want you. I will still pursue you and lead you back, closer to my heart.”
One of my greatest fears throughout my life has been the fear of hurting those I love. As soon as I sense that I’ve wounded someone, I have the immediate urge to run away (also known as a “hit and run”). But what makes the situation even worse, is when the person I’ve hurt doesn’t get angry, but chooses to forgive and do something kind for me instead. Grace goes against every human instinct -- no wonder it’s so hard to believe and so easy to forget. My first car accident was my fault. We pulled off to a gas station as the cop worked on the paperwork, and while we were sitting there, the owner of the other vehicle got out of her car and ran through the snow and frigid Iowa winter temps to stand outside my window and offer to buy me hot chocolate…uh…STOP SHOWING ME GRACE – I JUST WRECKED YOUR CAR. You know that story in the Bible where the arrogant second son -- aka the prodigal son -- asks his dad for his inheritance (essentially telling him to go die) then runs away with the money? And after he runs out of all the cash and has no more snickers to tie him over, he shamefully returns home to ask his dad if he can work for him as a servant. What does the father do? Nope, he doesn’t give him a job. He throws him a PARTY, lavishes him with gifts, and restores his place in the family. God showed me the heartbeat of his grace, “As far away as you run, I will welcome you back with joy, and lavish you with unchanging, real love.”
On my second day of recording vocals in Atlanta, I ran away. A couple miles from the studio, I laid on a grassy hill and sobbed. I ran away because I kept hearing over and over, “You’re not good enough. No one will actually want to listen to your music. You think God would really call you to do this?” A friend recently told me that the enemy will go to great heights to get us to run as far away as possible from what God is calling us into. And he had almost succeeded; all I wanted to do was give up. I called my dad, and between his own tears, he reminded me of the truth: God gave me a voice, and God gave me songs. And God takes immense delight in hearing me sing to Him. I felt the Lord whispering to me on that grassy hill, “As far away as you run, I will meet you there and rejoice over you.”
In the words of a song I once heard (on my album)... Your love is strong, it's raging like a storm, it chases me as far as I run.