People often tell me they admire how I’m unashamedly my weird self and don’t care what others think of me. But if you could see into my mind, you’d see that it’s a constant fight. A constant back and forth between striving, shame, running to Father, and resting in what he says. Over and over again. My counselor calls it a people-pleasing addiction.
It’s always hardest in groups of people. I don’t want to fight for attention, but sometimes my fun-loving personality just kind of feels like it demands it. Sometimes I’m perfectly happy to just sit and listen. Sometimes I get stuck in my head and wonder if I’m over-thinking the whole thing. Which I probably am.
But! God has been working extra hard recently to free me from this addiction - teaching me how to return to him quickly in rest and trust, how to stay attentive to him moment by moment. (Because that’s really the point of life, isn’t it?) He puts me in training situations that stretch me more and more. And he’s faithful to walk with me through each one, pick me up when I fail (which is often), and constantly tell me he’s proud of me. Not because of what I did, just because I’m his.
This past weekend leading worship with this team was one of those intense training situations, and honestly I was kind of dreading it. I knew the fight that was about to go down in my mind. But I got to experience the crazy kindness and faithfulness of God here. Ya see, everything changes when I’m in a group of people who I know already loves me, and who I don’t need to try to earn approval from, or prove my worth to.
The team has no idea, but that’s what they were to me. I felt loved and accepted when I felt like I was too much to handle, when I was quietly shaming myself, and when I was too tired to try. God did some major breakthrough work in my life this weekend, and so much of it was because of this community. I am so thankful.
It would be way easier if God would just fix me in one moment and send me on my merry way. But think about how easily I could forget that I need him moment by moment, and forget that that’s really what this whole life thing is about. Every time I fail, I just fall into grace. And every time I win, it’s just because of grace.
I’m addicted to grace.