I feel like I got hit by an 80,000 pound truck…oh wait. I did.
It was 0% my fault, but my immediate reaction was shame. How could I have let this happen? What will people think of me? I felt paralyzed, trying to figure out what had just occurred, unwilling to believe what I didn’t want it to be. I had been knocked around with several impacts in front and behind, and as I spun into the other lane, I waited, expecting another hit. It never came.
In the silent moments of aftermath as I sat in my car, I again experienced shame – why wasn’t my first reaction to cling to Jesus? When I literally saw my life flash before my eyes, why wasn’t Jesus the first thing on my mind? All of a sudden, I heard God whisper, “I’m still holding on to you even when you’re not holding on to me.”
To be honest, me and Jesus haven’t been super tight recently. (And let’s be real – that’s 100% on me). It’s not that I’ve moved on or that I’ve given up on him, but I haven’t been giving him the attention he deserves – sometimes it just feels easy to choose other things before him, and listen to other voices before his. He’s been pursuing me, but I haven’t exactly been pursuing back. Honestly, I’m pretty ashamed of that. And each day that growing shame piles up in front of me (just like that 5-car interstate pile-up), and keeps me from seeking Jesus back. It keeps me paralyzed, feeling helpless to avoid the danger right in front of me, and unable to take a step toward safety, toward him.
“I’m still holding on to you even when you’re not holding on to me.”
But even when I’m buried deep in the middle of the pile, beat up on all sides by shame, Jesus reaches through the mess and says, “I’m here! I’m still holding on to you, even when you’re not holding on to me – BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! And nothing - no shame, no 80,000 pound truck, no 5 car pile-up - can separate you from my love!”
Not only did his love hold me and reassure me in that moment, but it also protected me (and all others involved) from any serious injuries. Can we just take a moment and give him some serious praise?! There is only one response to such a love as this – I am in awe, and just want to love him back.